Thoughts for the Day

* IF MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.


* RESPECT YOUR ELDERS. THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.


* I'VE DECIDED I'M NOT OLD, I'M 45 -- PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.


* WHY DO I HAVE TO PRESS "1" FOR ENGLISH? DID AMERICA MOVE?


* WE HAVE ENOUGH GUN CONTROL. WHAT WE NEED IS IDIOT CONTROL.


* BEHIND EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.


* LET'S STOP SENDING MONEY TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND LET THEM HATE US FOR FREE.


* VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH, OR LIGHT FIRES!


* I LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK "REALLY? -- THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"


* IN MY DEFENSE I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.


* IF GUNS KILL PEOPLE, THEN PENCILS MISSPELL WORDS, CARS MAKE PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK, AND SPOONS MAKE PEOPLE FAT.


* MY DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.


* SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID -- AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.


* WE OWE i*****lS NOTHING -- WE OWE OUR VETERANS EVERYTHING.


* CAMPING: WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.


* I THOUGHT GETTING OLD WOULD TAKE LONGER.


* A WISE MAN ONCE SAID - - NOTHING.